not at this age. just some consistent attention from someone who matters enough to make that attention mean something to you.
just a little reminder. just a daily stress reliever. just take me away for a bit.
can’t decide which i like better.
somtimes i have a tendency to think entirely to highly of people, even myself. & not to say that kind of thinking is undeserved by the person, its just that when i think that way of someone, expectations and high regard come skipping along with it.
i’ll use a less personal example to better explain, & resist hurting feelings on the way. Mr. Kanye Omari West. i was riding home from the movies last night & listening to “Power”. i never particularly cared for the song for whatever reason, but i guess change of setting, change of mind…so i found myself paying particularly close attention to it.
i was just kind of taken aback by how brilliant he can be at times. i think quite simply i am easily impressed by deep thinkers. if someone can make me think/wonder/question something i never thought to do before i will somewhat automatically be in awe of you. don’t know why, but it is what it is.
so in the process of being all “kanye is the epitome of black thought & reason” (not really, but you know) he said some ishh like “where the bad bxtches at? where ya’ll hiding??”
hmmm….& back to square one we go. it really disappoints & kind of makes me mad that people are fascinated by such trivial things. like i feel like no matter how brilliant a man is as soon as a short skirt & a fat a** walks by, he becomes like every other dog of the male variety that our society has been so blessed with. -______- even in my personal life, i hate respecting someone and then finding out they have qualities that are….COMMON. just like every other body that passes me everyday. i just hate for people i associate with to be “common”. i really do.
now i say all that completely aware of how hypocritical i am in doing so. because (1) everyone has there things like that. we are, in fact, just human. & (2) i know very well that i have numerous qualities that would throw me into the “common” variety.
so i guess i have some self-examination to do as well.
bu its just annoying, extremely annoying…annoying may not even be the word, because it just makes me mad. so whatever you would call the combination of mad, frustrated, annoyed, hurt, and sad to be. …lets just go with crazy, that’s bout how it sounds.
but yeaaa its like when the people you look up to let you down, you just can’t respect them the same way…feel me?
well i could, but i’ll spare you. i talk enough as is….but that song Rick Ross ft. Nicki Minaj: “You the Boss” thoroughly pisses me off.
& not even for my usual reasoning! i was able to successfully able to ignore Ms. Minaj’s typical failed attempt at carrying a note. but solely because of the content. ”i’ll do anything that you say cause you the boss” ??
hmmmm..perhaps i take things a little to literally. perhaps i need to develop a sense of humor. but for the time being..why don’t you just save us all some time & effort and get on your knees ma’am -____- think we would all suffer a bit less.
the first time i was asked i answered meaningful.
subconsciously i asked myself “well why is it meaningful? what meaning do you have?” something like a slap from a bag of bricks hit me & it dawned on me that my life is not meaningful at all…at least not as far as i can tell yet.
its, quite simply, engaged…right now my mind does nothing but think. it analyzes. imagines situations, plays them out. and tries to figure out precisely how i want it to be. my mind wonders & most importantly it OBSERVES. a little bit of everything, the things that matter & the things that don’t. sometimes even things it shouldn’t.
i feel like at this stage in my life i am just watching life play in front of me.
i am figuring everything out. and i am having a lot of fun doing it. i am watching myself grow up, mature. watching others do the same, & some not so much. i’m starting to realize that some people will stick around longer than i originally though, and others may not.
my life is not “meaningful”; i am not making a difference. my mind is thinking about changing the world, yes. but right now i’m simply watching the world, with all its beauty and some of its bs, pass by…then eventually it will figure out exactly how i will go about doing just that. making that change. the day i stop “watching” & start “doing” will be the day my life will become meaningful.
right now i am just having too much fun sitting back & taking it all in. i “glued to the screen”…completely & utterly engaged.
i think i will try to show you more sides of myself.
i kind of just realized in the process of trying to be “cute” for someone, i tend to undermine some of my other sides.
simply not fair. somewhat disrespectful.
not to brag. but they won’t disappoint…they are fascinating, i promise. surprise my self at times.
but i digress.
If you’re constantly speaking, and notice nothing is changing.
Maybe you should speak less.
and act more.
is the fact that i have so many questions make me a stalker, crazy, perhaps even delusional, or all of the above? or do i just care too much. more than the norm. i trying to find a proper balance. being comfortable enough to ask.
i just think entirely to much. at times its appreciated & at others its hell. somewhat like mental torture. & the sad part its all self-inflicted.
perhaps later down the line i’ll gain the mental capacity to control it, but at this point, & please excuse how dramatic it all sounds, but it truly has a mind of its own.
sometimes i ask myself who is controlling who? welcome to the mind of a possible, high likely, a semi maniac.
at least faster than i think works for the people around me.
i get annoyed really easily.
the people who i used to be surround myself with are just….lame now to tell you the truth.
i notice people’s immature sides first. i find myself laughing to myself a lot of times thinking “if only you knew i can see right through this bullshxt act your giving me”.
i used to be cool with these people. & to be real, i feel bad for feeling that way. but i can’t help it. its like they work so hard to impress people & all i see is a joke. hmmm…
i don’t go out as much. nor do i desire to. to be real if i feel like dancing i’ll go. but i usually don’t desire to dance with or touch anybody. i just like being buzzed, & feeling the music & letting my week go.
i usually don’t need other people for that. i can usually do that on my own. but then i feel like an alcoholic. anywhoooo…..
it is somewhat a dilemma, not because i don’t like where this is going, but because i haven’t quite figured out where it is going yet.
i’ll just give myself time though. half of the fun of my day comes from me surprising my self. knowing that i am growing and watching how it happens.
this will work out for the good. it always does. maybe i’ll stop thinking & feeling this way…but more likely, i’ll just get better at pretending i give a damn.
stay tuned? i know i will